Blog: Dirty Tactics in Monrovia Politics

Today, I was the victim of an assault at the hands of one of my opponents. It was not a character assault, but an actual assault. However, I will not name my opponent, because I do not intend to disparage his name (though it rhymes with "Scary"). Instead, my aim is simply to draw attention to the destructive effects of dirty political tactics, such as the intimidation tactic that was employed against me this morning.

Dirty tactics are, at their heart, selfish efforts that sacrifice heightened political discourse in favor of a personal campaign edge. They sacrifice victory through thoughtful debate, and the incubation of knowledge and ideas, for the shallow satisfaction of gaining a quick personal advantage. In sum, they sacrifice the greater good in favor of personal gain. A civic leader must be the type of person who can put the greater good above his personal interests, and anyone who would campaign based on dirty tactics reveals himself not to be such a man.

So, some of you may be wondering what actually happened. Well, I will tell you. This morning I was out for a peaceful morning jog with a friend. We were engaged in jocular conversation and failed to realize that we had turned into enemy territory. As we innocently jogged down the street, exercising our God given American right to do so, I began to hear strange bird calls, though no birds were in sight. I now realize it was my opponent's spotters alerting him to an enemy presence. As we strode down the block two vicious dogs suddenly emerged from a yard and stood menacingly and unblinkingly in our path. They were obviously not friendly and looked quite hungry, their ripped muscular physiques yearning for protein. I was immediately concerned (well, as concerned as a man with my astonishing level of courage can be). However, given the incredible shape I keep myself in, and therefore the speed at which I was running, I was unable to change course before passing the first predator. Thankfully, it did not attack. However, the next beast did and it chased me (however futile the effort) with its beady eyes focused on my patriotic hamstrings, its teeth gnashing and predatory digestive juices streaming from its mouth. At that point, my opponent emerged from his driveway shaking his fist and screaming invectives. Of course, he would tell you that he was waving amicably while apologizing profusely.

Naturally, I escaped unscathed. However, I felt compelled to bring this event to the attention of all high-minded Monrovian voters. These types of dirty political tactics have no place here, and I urge Monrovians not to tolerate them.

Your candidate for city council,

Alexander C. Blackburn

P.S. I later received an e-mail from my opponent apologizing and claiming that his dogs had snuck out while he was loading his child into their minivan for a doctor’s visit. Whatever, like we have not heard that one before.

P.S.S. I have attached a picture of the primary assailant, lest any of you doubt the gravity of the situation.

P.S.S.S. Vote this Tuesday, April 9th. Go to lavote.net to find your polling place.