This is the very first blog I have ever posted, so I better make it good! I suppose I should write about the thing that is most important to me--strengthening relationships. I teach a class called Marriage and the Family at a local college, and one of the topics that the students enjoy the most is the class on communication. In one lesson, I discuss various communication mistakes people make, and students look either sheepish or surprised to realize how much they need to improve their communication. You mean it is not ok to tell my girlfriend that she is stupid if she does something stupid? No, Jack, it is not. That is called verbal violence. What if I only say it when she acts really, really stupid? Sorry, Jack, that is still verbal violence--really, really. OR My husband and I never have conflict. That is good, right? Well, Sue, all couples have conflict. The only issue is whether or not the conflict is expressed or kept internally. When two people in a relationship are ALWAYS in agreement, then it is often an indicator that someone is probably not feeling safe enough to be completely honest about how they feel.
Saying harmful words or saying nothing at all are both detrimental to a relationship. So, why do couples do these things? Of course there are issues of maturity and consideration for others that play a part, but another major factor is that people generally are not very skilled in communicating.
As very young children we learn how to talk, but we do not really learn how to communicate effectively. What I mean is that we learn how to pronounce words and speak in sentences, and we get some lessons on politeness. MINE! No, Johnny, you must share with Billy, especially since that toy actually belongs to him. But as adults in relationships, no one really teaches us how to move beyond talking to communicating. No one teaches us how to make pronouncements about our deepest needs, or how to speak in sentences that constructively convey our fears and frustrations. No one teaches us how to listen reflectively to hear the emotional hurts hidden behind the words our partner speaks. When our emotions are running high, we often revert to our childhood state and fail to be polite, but there is not a parent present to correct us. Instead, the one present is our partner who bears the brunt of our self-centeredness, our sarcasm, or our stony silences. What does this lead to? Relational distress. Distrust. Depression. Divorce.
Poor communication is often cited as the number 1 interpersonal reason for divorce--not infidelity, not boredom, not pesky in-laws--poor communication. If you think about it, it makes sense because if couples knew how to talk to one another, they might be less inclined to cheat, they might feel less bored, and they might be able to work out a plan on how to deal with the in-laws. Since effective communication is so essential and poor communication is so damaging, it behooves those in relationships to do all that they can to increase their skill in this area. Fortunately, effective communication is a skill that can be learned. Unfortunately, most people do not know where to go to learn this skill. I know that I did not know where to go when I needed help in this area. Even worse was the fact that I did not realize that I even needed help!
In my first marriage, I made a lot of communication mistakes. A lot. And even though I went to church every week, I was in small groups, and I was even in a graduate program studying sociology, no one was talking or teaching about effective interpersonal communication. The result? I ended up divorced and devastated. But I also became determined. I became determined to learn what went wrong in that relationship, and I became determined to help others avoid the mistakes I made.
I feel so blessed because I have learned, and I've formed a new marriage that is awesome and strengthened daily by our constructive communication. I am also blessed because I am doing what I set out to do for others. At the college where I teach full-time, my classes are large and I do not really get to give the kind of personal help that I long to give since the Marriage and the Family class is more theoretical than practical. So, I recently started my own educational center where I can teach small groups of couples (a maximum of 5 couples at a time) how to communicate with each other in ways that bring healing for past harms, hope for the future, and happiness in the present. My first couples communication class at my new center--The Relationship Repair and Care Center--is being held in just a few weeks, and I pray that it will be a success because it is so important for us all to learn how to communicate, not just talk.
Note 1: To protect privacy, the names used in the examples in this post are not the real names of individuals who have asked questions in my classes.
Note 2: To learn more about my couples class, feel free to visit www.RepairandCare.org
